


Pon Farr

by Schak



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schak/pseuds/Schak
Summary: He felt afraid. He knew that being afraid was illogical. But Pon Farr did not care about logic. He could clearly see what the logical thing to do is, but his emotions refused to be suppressed. So yes, he was afraid; afraid to die and afraid of losing control over himself. He felt himself slipping away from his mind.An original take on Tuvok's Pon Farr.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway & Tuvok (Star Trek)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

He woke up with a start. His heart was racing and his skin was drenched with sweat. In the silence of his cabin, his heavy breathing echoed back at him. He swung his legs out of the bed and knelt down to meditate. But his tangled thoughts wouldn't let him calm down this night. He could not claim to be confused about it either. For the last two weeks, he had felt his Pon Farr building up. He had experienced quite a few of those in his life. To be exact this would be his fourteenth Pon Farr and also his last one. He could not explain how he knew this, but it was knowledge that resonated deep in his Katra. While it had always been an extremely unpleasant experience, he had never before felt so afraid and lost because of it.

And yes, he felt afraid. He knew that being afraid was illogical. There was nothing he could do about the situation. But Pon Farr did not care about logic. He could clearly see what the logical thing to do was, but his emotions refused to be suppressed. So yes, he was afraid; afraid to die and afraid to lose control over himself. He felt himself slipping away from his mind; he did not know himself anymore.

It would be logical to look for another mate to bond with. The image of blue-grey eyes and reddish-blond hair flickered up in his mind. The captain would need to know about this, soon. She needed to know that Ayala would be the best choice for a security chief. Janeway and he had worked together for some time now; she would trust his final advice. She would want to say goodbye. Kathryn had been his friend for twenty years, more than half of her lifetime, even if it was only a short part of his life. She would want to help. She could help! His subconscious was screaming at him, but he clenched his hands and pushed this last thought away. She will miss him. The idea to break his bond with T'Pel was as frightening as death itself.

His arms trembled in distress. The normal calm certainty of the meditation refused to ensue itself on his mind. Green rage and fear built up in him to a point when he was unable to control it. With an anguished and raging scream, he thrusted his fist forward into the window in front of him. Even the greater Vulcan strength could not damage the glass, but a sharp pain let him know that the same could not be said about his hand. The dark skin over his knuckles was torn open and a slick green drop of blood crept over his fingers, leaving a wet glittering trail behind. The pain allowed him to focus again. He took his meditation stage once more and this time he was able to clear his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Janeway was off duty for today; as off duty as she could be at least. The soft music in the bar invited to dance; not that she would do so in front of her crew. There were still some borders that shouldn't be crossed when interacting with the crew. But a game of billiard was within those borders. Her eyes scanned the people around her. Harry and Tom were playing a game and she got herself a drink in the meantime. While she was leaning against the bar, a few scraps of conversations carried over to her.

"God, I don't know what got into Tuvok, excuse me, _Lieutenant Commander Tuvok_ these days. He is worse than ever." She could hear Mr. Ayala complain not far from her.

"Oh how much worse could His Vulcanness become?"

"Don't know, but he has that stick even further up his ass. _'Lieutenant Ayala, the phasers have to be controlled daily.' 'Lieutenant Ayala, I noticed you cut your last training session ten minutes short, which is unacceptable for a commanding officer.' 'Lieutenant Ayala, you cannot let your personal relationships allow to interfere with your position of Lieutenant.' 'Lieutenant Ayala, should you be promoted, you will have to remember the security codes better.'_ " He mocked Tuvok's voice and expressions, before emptying his glass. "Promotion my ass! I don't know if he realized, but my direct superior is a god damn **Vulcan**! It's not like he is going to retire anytime soon!" His friends laughed at his misfortune and got him another drink. The conversation changed topics, but the captain was no longer listening.

Her thoughts were on Tuvok, her security chief, advisor, and most trusted friend. Over the last couple of days, she had noticed that he appeared tired and, dare she say it, distracted. It wasn't obvious, but his eyes sometimes had seemed unfocused and he had needed a split second longer to follow an order. It had been off putting and when she had looked over at Chakotay, he hadn't seemed to notice anything. So she had pushed those thoughts out of her mind at that time. But the way Mr. Ayala described Tuvok's behavior suggested that he was in fact training the young man to be his replacement. There were only a few reasons for that. One, he expected a promotion himself or two, he took preparations in case he couldn't fill his post himself anymore. She highly doubted the first option, because only two people were over him in rank and that would be commander and captain. She never saw a reason to question his loyalty to her and he had accepted Chakotay long ago. So either her Vulcan friend thought Chakotay was planning a mutiny, and she fully expected Tuvok to inform her as soon as he suspected something amiss, or it was option two. This option made her feel even more uneasy than the first one. Of course, it could be something as simple as a preparation in case something happened to him on an away mission or something like that. But, the little nagging voice in her head told her, it felt more _urgent_.

Lost in thoughts she needed a moment to realize that Tom Paris was calling her. With a start, she looked around. "Yes, Mr. Paris?"

"Captain, do you want to join us for a game? Little Harry here is getting overconfident because he won one or two games." He grinned charmingly and offered her the cue.

"Three actually." Harry Kim corrected his best friend immediately.

"There you see it. I think, he should see a pro at it."

"Thank you for the offer, Mr. Paris, Mr. Kim. But I have to decline; I just remembered some urgent business. Next time." She forced a smile on her lips and tipped her head to the two young men, before leaving the holodeck.

Maybe it was stupid, but that didn't mean she wouldn't check up on Tuvok. With vigorous steps, she marched to his quarters. With each step, she became angrier. How dare he scare her like this? She called at his door and waited for an answer. When he didn't, she asked the computer to locate him on board.

"Lt. Commander Tuvok is in his quarters." The computer voice answered her. She frowned at the answer and tapped her badge.

"Janeway to Tuvok. Please answer the door." Her voice was hard and made it clear that this was an order, not a plea request, but the door remained closed. Impatiently she watched the door for a moment longer, before she asked the computer if the Vulcan was sleeping at the moment. When the computer denied this she grew restless with worry. This wasn't a typical behavior for Tuvok at all. She entered her commando code and overrode the door controls. The door slid open and the light from the corridor lit the room. Her own shadow threateningly loomed into the room. Shards of glass glittered back at her. Books and other things were scattered over the floor. The sight rooted her to the spot. Her first instinct was to call an intruder alert before she saw her friend in a dark corner of the room. He was curled into a ball, hugging his knees and trembling.

"Tuvok!" The captain shouted in alarm and hurried to his side. She knelt in front of him and took his face in her hands. Sweat coated his face and she felt his jaw trembling against her hand. Gently she brushed some of the sweat from his eyebrows. "Tuvok, what happened?" His eyebrows dropped in fear and her heart broke for her oldest friend. She didn't wait for an answer and tapped the badge on her chest. "Emergency beam out to sickbay, from Lt. Commander Tuvok's quarters." Her tone was harsh and impatient as she barked the orders to the officer on duty.

The next moment she felt the familiar tickling that indicated the beaming. In the blink of an eye, they were in the sickbay and the doctor was hurrying out of his office. "Captain, what happened?" He picked up his medical tricorder and started to scan the Vulcan in her arms.

"I don't know. I found him like this in his quarters." It took some effort not to shout at the hologram. Tuvok ducked his head away; against her shoulder to keep his eyes from the bright light of the sickbay. He mumbled something against her shoulder.

"I'm sorry. Wanted t' tell. Pon Farr." His voice was barely audible, but the last slurred words from his mouth let her stiffen in fear. Janeway looked over to the Doctor to see if he had heard it, too. He nodded and prepared a dark space for Tuvok.

"Don't worry, my friend, we will get you through this." Once more she caressed his face before letting go. "I will be back in a moment." She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and turned around. "Doctor, you will take care of him, until we find a solution for this." She straightened herself and her steps were sure as she left the sickbay. But once the doors closed behind her shoulders dropped and one hand flew to her mouth. Tears were stinging in her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall. With a deep, shaking breath the captain calmed herself before calling a conference in her ready room.

Fifteen minutes later she met with her commanding officers and every Vulcan or Vulcan descendant she could find on the ship. There weren't many; only three to be exact: Ensign Vorik, the only full-blood Vulcan, Crewman U'Lanai, who was a quarter Vulcan and finally Senior Lieutenant Kristine Fernandez, who wasn't actually Vulcan, but a widow of a half Vulcan and was with eighty-eight the oldest human on board. Normally she should have retired after that original mission, but retirement plans didn't work in the Delta Quadrant. Everyone had a PADD with the necessary information in front of them. Captain Janeway leaned back in her chair and watched all of them, as they read it. Mostly they seemed slightly awkward, but deeply sympathetic toward their colleague. B'Elanna kept glaring at Mr. Vorik, who in turn looked as uncomfortable and embarrassed as any Vulcan could look. The one who surprised her was Mrs. Fernandez. The elder woman returned her look with clear and alert eyes. There was no shyness in her.

When everyone had put their PADDs down, she straightened herself up and addressed them. "I'm sure you all understand the problem here. We need options. We need information, so I expect you to give me all the information you have about this." With the last words, she fixated the three Vulcan experts at the table. Mrs. Fernandez slightly nodded her head, while the other two avoided her eyes. Anger bubbled up in her. "I mean it. If something happens to Mr. Tuvok and I find out that any of you withheld information that could have been helpful, you don't want to imagine the consequences. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, captain." Fernandez and U'Lanai answered. Janeway fixed Vorik with a piercing glance.

The Vulcan ensign protested. "Captain, it is not custom to discuss this topic with others or getting involved when someone is experiencing it."

The captain stood up and leaned over the table towards the young man. "One of my most important officers and friends has a life-threatening condition and no sense of false cultural shame is going to stop me from helping him. And if you stand in my way, you will spend long long hours in the brig. Do you understand me?" Her voice was calm and sure, but her hands curled into fists against the table in suppressed fury. The Vulcan shrank back under the furious glare of his captain.

"Yes, captain."

"Well, then we had better get started." Lieutenant Fernandez interrupted the conversation of the captain and the ensign. "To resolve a Pon Farr, we have the three 'M's." The other people at the table turned their eyes to her and looked at her in confusion. "Mating, Murder, Meditation." She counted them down on her fingers.

Tom Paris apparently was unable to suppress a low chuckle. "Three 'M's, hm? But don't you think murder is a bit extreme?"

"It was very fortunate that none was seriously hurt when Mr. Vorik had his experience the last time. But if you prefer we could call it the three 'F's: Fucking, Fighting, Focus." Her dark eyes focused on the far younger man who seemed more than uncomfortable to hear some of those words from a woman who could easily be his grandmother. "Could we now stop discussing the nomenclature and return to the topic, young man?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"So, what can we do?" Janeway had returned to her seat and shifted her attention away from the Vulcan to the person apparently willing and able to give useful information. "We can't get him to his wife in time. That leaves us with fighting and meditation, right?"

"Captain, I feel like I have to inform you that he doesn't necessarily need to mate with his wife. But I don't think he will want to take that option." At those words, the captain sat up straighter.

"You mean any woman would do?"

"Any Vulcan woman or one that knows him very well." She nodded and a bit of her white hair fell in front of her eyes. The two young people next to her looked completely scandalized at this option. "But most bonded Vulcans would prefer death over that."

"They prefer death over cheating? That doesn't seem very logical at all." Chakotay remarked with his arms crossed and a raised eyebrow.

"It would mean breaking the old bond and form a new one. It wouldn't be adultery, but divorce. More even. While bonding the two Katras merge for a while and then separate again, but a small part stays bound. It is not unusual that they experience small character changes and a change of taste after bonding. To break a bond would literally mean to kill a part of oneself and the person you are bonded with. In death at least the bond mate can keep the merged part of the Katra."

There was a moment of silence when no one knew what to make of this information before the Doctor broke it with a curse. "Why can't those damn Vulcans put all this into the medical files? But no, it is 'I have Tarkalean flu. I have to go home.'"

"So what can you tell us about fighting and meditation?" Janeway felt a headache building up and she rubbed her temple.

"A lot less. I only know that there is a koon-ut-kal-if-fee. It means marriage or challenge. It's a fight to the death, normally." She shot a look at Vorik and B'Elanna. "It's unlikely that Mr. Tuvok would consider this since he has no intention of taking a new bride."

"Apart from the fact over whom. Who would fight him? Vulcans are faster and stronger than humans. And even for a Vulcan, Mr. Tuvok is a strong and fit specimen. He is well versed in various hand-to-hand combats, he exercises daily and regularly trains with the rest of the security unit." The doctor added further. "According to the medical examinations I wouldn't advise anyone on this ship to fight him."

The captain's jaw tensed and she nodded towards the display that showed the Doctor. "Meditation?"

"That is probably the way he will choose to deal with it. It's not easy and there is no guarantee that it will work."

"Is there a way we could help him with it?" Chakotay asked.

"Not that I know of unless someone on this ship is a Vulcan high priest." Fernandez raised an eyebrow with those words.

"I knew I should have taken that weekend seminar back then." Tom immediately noticed that his attempt at humor wasn't well-received by the rest. "Sorry." He hung his head.

"So what can we do at all?" Janeway asked once again. The reproachful look she had bestowed on Tom earlier apparently motivated him to contribute something helpful.

"We could make a holodeck simulation of his wife and he could do his _mating_ there."

"That wouldn't work. They need a mind to meld with and a hologram doesn't have one." At the old woman's words, the Doctor harrumphed. "No offense Doctor, but it needs the biological foundation in this case. A real brain, not computer chips."

"It helped Mr. Vorik." The captain remarked.

"He is young and the Pon Farr gets worst the older a Vulcan gets. It was more of a placebo than anything substantial."

"Can you tell us anything more?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"You helped us a lot, thank you, Mrs. Fernandez." Janeway forced herself to be polite, even if the old woman could only tell her that there was nothing they could do. "I will go to the sickbay and talk with Tuvok about our options. Mr. Paris, you will create a holo version of T'Pel. I have some pictures of her somewhere and will send them to you as soon as possible."

The others looked at her in confusion and protested. "But captain…"

"No buts. It may only be a placebo, but I know that there is a placebo effect. It's a psychological effect and this whole Pon Farr business is at least partly psychological as well. So I will be damned if we don't give him the prettiest placebo ever made. Dismissed!"

X

Tuvok looked calmer than before. The Doctor had informed her that he had given him a small dose of hormonal inhibitors. They wouldn't stop the Pon Farr, but would allow her friend to be a bit more controlled for a short time, but would also prolong the whole process, which in itself was dangerous. The hormones in his blood weren't inactivated or destroyed, but only dormant for a while until they could interact again with his cells. She silently stood in front of him and waited for him to notice her. She felt the urge to reach out and hug him and whisper to him that everything was going to be alright. But touching a Vulcan in this state probably wouldn't be advisable. The Doctor was by her side. Finally, he looked up.

"Captain Janeway." He acknowledged her. His hands were still folded in their meditation position but lowered to rest on his thighs.

"Tuvok, how are you?" She forced herself to smile.

His eyebrows knitted together. "Disturbed." He searched for words to describe his mental state. "It doesn't feel good."

Janeway could only nod at this. "We have to talk about our options, while you are relatively clear of mind."

"Understandable."

It didn't take long to discuss the limited options that presented themselves.

"I choose to meditate through this." He stated calmly but on the inside fear was raging. He took a deep breath and forced the emotion away.

The captain, his friend, smiled weakly. "I thought as much." Her eyes shimmered from unshed tears. "The Doctor is still testing some alternatives; to reduce the hormonal density with drugs or other medical procedures. We need your agreement, should he find a reasonably safe way to achieve this, so that he can perform such a therapy."

"What is your thesis for this work, Doctor?"

"I will try to find a way to create a microscale beam to identify specific molecules and through this isolate the hormones that are out of balance and return them to normal levels." The Doctor explained to him.

"That sounds reasonable." Tuvok agreed. Hope was stirring in him and that was irrational. Either the Doctor managed to accomplish such a task or not. His emotions would not change a thing about it. But it could! It could make him hold on longer and give the Doctor more time! No, it was illogical to surrender his life sooner than necessary, which meant he could not hold on longer no matter what.

"I can't -" The Doctor started, but the captain interrupted him.

"Doctor, can you give us a moment alone? Please?"

"Of course." He turned around but stopped in mid-motion. "Mr. Tuvok, I have to ask you to wear a biosensor the whole time, so I can control your physical parameters." He nodded to the captain and Tuvok and went to his office.

Janeway took a small step towards him and squatted down in front of him. "There are other options, you know. I am willing to help you. You know that, right?" She pleaded with him. Her hands hovered over his for a moment before touching him; grabbing his hands in hers. This was not a casual human touch. This was calculated. He felt her willingness to give and her desperation to help him.

"Cap-" He stopped himself and pressed her hand slightly. "Kathryn, thank you, but no. I cannot."

She nodded and once again tears were glittering in her eyes, but she would not let them flow. "I thought as much, but I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least offer it to you." She stood up again. She closed her eyes and swallowed before putting on her captain's face again. "Mr. Paris will have the holodeck ready for you in two hours. Maybe you should try to meditate until then." She hesitated for a moment. "If you don't need me anymore here."

"No, and thank you, for everything." He nodded his head slightly.

"Ok." She took this as her cue to leave, but after two steps she stopped and looked back over her shoulder. "Just, should you change your mind about my offer… Promise me this, if you change your mind at any point, don't hesitate to call me. I will be there for you. Promise me."

"I will." He felt the corners of his mouth twitch and suppressed this motion immediately.


	3. Chapter 3

She sat in her ready room and stared down on the PADD in front of her. She had just read it, but couldn't remember what it was about. She looked at her chronometer. It was 7:17 in the morning. She hadn't slept a minute this night. Her shift would only start at noon today. She should sleep now, but whenever she tried to lie down, she would turn from one side to the next, fear gripping her heart and strangling her in her sleep.

With long strides, she was out of the door, on the way to sickbay. Her eyes widened in surprise to see Lieutenant Fernandez there as well.

"Captain." Both the Doctor and the old woman stood to attention.

"How is he?" Janeway couldn't find the energy in her for polite small talk. Their faces fell. The Doctor took a step towards her.

"Not very good, captain. He couldn't enter meditation deep enough. He has been trashing around for hours now. He is quite exhausted. I'm not sure how much longer he can take this if he doesn't manage to fall into meditation soon." The Doctor's words let her breath falter.

"Understood."

"I'm sorry, captain."

"How is your medical beam coming along?" She gripped her hands behind her back.

"Not good enough." The hologram signed. "One of the most important hormones for the Pon Farr is a trans-form of a most essential hormone for the energy supply of the cells. Even a few minutes without those would be lethal. The scanner and beam sensors can't distinguish between those two. I suspect that's why the Pon Farr happens in the first place. A small percentage of the energy hormone synthesis in the wrong form and over the course of seven years the concentration raises to a critical level. The Pon Farr is probably only a byproduct of the body's reaction to deconstruct or convert those trans-hormones. I'm not sure what exactly happens, but Mr. Vorik's blood has a far lower concentration of the trans-forms."

"Doctor, is this going to help Tuvok, now?" She interrupted him, before he could go into more detail.

"No, it's only basic research and it would take a lot more time to put it to use than Mr. Tuvok has left."

Part of her wanted to scream at him; if that's the case, then shut up! But she didn't. "Is there anything else we can do?" She couldn't let herself unravel just yet. Not if there was the slightest chance that they could save him.

"Apart from releasing the Pon Farr through mating, I fear my therapies are exhausted." The Doctor informed her.

She took a shaking breath. "So you tell me, I either let him die or rape him?"

"I wouldn't call it ra-"

She interrupted him fiercely. "And what would you call a sexual act, in which one party not only does not consent but downright denies it while he is accountable? What other word would you like to use?" Her voice escalated to shouting in the end. Janeway clapped a hand over her mouth and turned her head away from the hologram. After a moment she looked back at him. "I'm sorry Doctor. That was inappropriate of me. Please excuse me."

Without waiting for an answer she left the sickbay. She didn't know where she wanted to go, just away. Only a few meters down the corridor a voice called after her.

"Captain, could I speak with you for a moment?" A part of her wanted to scream, NO. But she stopped nevertheless to let the old woman catch up.

"Mrs. Fernandez, what can I do for you?"

"Thank you for waiting. Those old bones are not as fast as they once were." She had to catch her breath once she was next to the captain. It took some time before she could talk again. "I wanted to tell you how sorry I'm for you and that you could talk with me if you need someone, who at least has a clue what's going on."

Something in her wanted to rebuff her, tell her that she could deal with it on her own, but something else wanted, needed this shoulder to lean on. The white hair still had some black streaks in it and the dark eyes looked warm and caring. For a moment Janeway could almost imagine her mother in front of her. This was probably why she nodded and slowed her steps down to match those of the older woman.

For a few minutes, neither said a word, before the captain broke the silence with a whisper. "He is my friend, not just an officer."

"That much is obvious. Everybody who knows a bit about Vulcans can see the deep trust and friendship between you two."

"I don't want to lose my friend. And it would hurt the ship to lose one of its best officers. Never mind what it would do to the morale of the crew."

"That's true. He is a very good superior officer, once we agreed that as weapon engineer I really have no business running around with the security teams for exercise just because I belong to the Security and Tactics department." Fernandez pondered. "And I have to admit, I would like him to survive for the purely selfish reason that I don't feel ready to be the oldest person on board." Mischief deepened the laughter lines around her eyes.

"Ha." Short laughter choked up Janeway's throat. She turned her head to the other woman. "Why doesn't he ask for help?" But the only answer to her plea for an explanation was a sad smile and a pat on the shoulder. She fixed her eyes straight ahead again. "To lose him would weaken the ship and crew and would reduce our chances to return home. As captain, I should force him to…"

"Maybe."

"But how would I ever be able to look my friend in the eyes again after that? How could I ever stand in front of him as something else, but the captain?" Her shoulders slumped.

"Never probably."

"I would lose my friend either way." This realization felt like a sucker punch and knocked the air out of her for a moment.

"Yes."

"He will never be able to forgive me." She tightly closed her eyes.

"He is a Vulcan. He would see the reasoning and logic of such a decision. He would forgive you because holding grudge in the first place would be illogical."

Her head whipped around at those words. "But you just agreed that I would lose him as a friend and that I would never be able to look into his eyes again."

"And you wouldn't, because even if he didn't hold it against you, you would never forgive yourself for it." Sadness and pity shone in the old eyes. "Not the captain who brought us here. Not the captain who can, after all, that happened still hold her head high. Not the captain who can give even me hope that we will one day return home and that I will hold my children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren once again in my arms."

"Oh." It was a quiet and choking sound. Her lips trembled before she tightened her jaw.

"I'm sorry that we force you to be this bigger-than-life person. It's not fair towards you, but the crew needs this shining beacon of hope. That's what makes it even harder to lose one of the people who are allowed to see your weaknesses. Especially him. The one person on this ship that knew you before all this. Before you had to become 'The Captain', the soul of this ship, the personification of hope. That one person who knew, who knows, you and didn't trust and respect you any less for it." A lone tear ran over the wrinkled face. A tear Janeway couldn't shed. "I'm sorry that you have to choose how to lose him."

For some time they just walked in silence next to each other.

"What-" She stopped. Her voice was broken and hoarse. She cleared her throat and started again. "What is happening to him right now?"

"Captain?" Fernandez seemed surprised by her question.

"I need to know all the facts. What is happening to him? How is he going to-?"

"They- He, well, feels. But he can't control himself anymore. How to explain?" She pondered to give Janeway an answer. "The Vulcan brain works differently from the human one. We have a lot of reflexes that work without the brain's involvement, like pulling the hand away when it touches something hot. We do it before we even feel the pain. The Vulcans don't have that. Everything they do goes through the brain, even things like breathing and their heartbeat. It's not like they have to remember it; there is a section of their brain that does it automatically. While they are in Pon Farr, they lose control over who they are. They can't remember themselves. In one of the last stages of Pon Farr they would attack even their own reflection because even this fundamental self-recognition isn't there anymore. After that, the brain kind of mixes up the orders or can't find the right way to tell the heart to beat and the lungs to breathe."

"How do they get out of it? I mean how is 'mating, murder, meditation' helping?" They stopped walking.

"I'm not sure. But it's like you bring a seed into a supersaturated solution. You bring this piece of them, this idea, a memory of themselves to them and they are able to crystallize around it again. Or maybe you provide the pattern they fill out with themselves again. It's difficult, but it's like they have to be led back to themselves. Mr. Tuvok meditates, that means he has to find this starting point in himself, but that's difficult when the Pon Farr is about being unable to identify oneself." Fernandez stopped talking and placed a hand on her shoulder in support. "I'm sorry, captain, but I have to leave. My shift starts soon."

"Of course. Thank you for telling me all this." Janeway felt like waking up when the other woman bid her goodbye. Only now did she realize where they had been going the whole time. She was standing in front of the holodeck.

She had to make a decision, one way or another.


	4. Chapter 4

For over five minutes she just stood in front of the door and stared at it. She clenched her fists and took the step to the control screen. She typed in her commando code and entered the holodeck. The door closed behind her and the holodeck encircled her in its magnificent illusion.

Hot air filled her lungs and the wind let tiny grains of sand scrub over her face and hands. The red earth of Vulcan burned under her feet and the bright light blinded her for a moment. She felt heavier and more sluggish than before. It was the same feeling she'd had when she had first stepped onto Vulcan all those years ago. The holo program included the higher gravity of this harsh and beautiful planet. This was the place her friend called home.

She wasn't sure why she had stepped in. Was she really ready to destroy their friendship to save her friend? Or did she just need a last chance to say goodbye? Or did she want to give him a last chance to accept her offer? But she knew that she had to see him and look him into the eyes before she could decide anything.

She looked around and saw the silhouette of someone through the heat haze. Standing upright and walking towards her. She felt her heart quicken with relief and joy at this. This wasn't a person crazed out of their sane mind. But the closer she got the more she realized that something wasn't right. The person was too short to be the tall Vulcan and looked too female. Janeway stopped in her path. This was the hologram of T'Pel, she realized with a start. Why was it there and not with Tuvok? Where was Tuvok? She looked around but couldn't see him anywhere near. The illusion of T'Pel reached her and greeted her in the typical Vulcan way. But the captain, Kathryn, didn't have time or patience for this now.

"Where is Tuvok? What is going on? Why are you not with him?" Anger and fear battled inside her. The hologram let her hand sink again.

"We tried to mate, but he wasn't able to mind meld with me." Now Janeway could see that her clothes were crinkled, as if they had been cast off and put on again. "It confused and angered him more. My close proximity distressed him more. So I removed myself from his sight." She pointed towards a formation of rocks a few meters away. "That is where he is."

Janeway nodded; her heart bleeding for her friend. But before she could go to him T'Pel started to talk again.

"The fact that he could not meld with me means that I don't have a physical mind or brain, right? I am a hologram created for the purpose of helping him through his Pon Farr." The last sentence wasn't question. She locked her eyes with Janeway's. "I have failed my programming. I cannot help him."

Janeway saw something very lost and defeated in her eyes. The look didn't fit the aristocratic dark Vulcan face at all. For a moment she felt the impulse to ask this mirror image of Tuvok's wife for permission to do what was necessary to save him. But it would only be a way to absolve her conscience from any responsibility. This program had the sole purpose to help Tuvok through his Pon Farr and to ensure his survival. Her, its answer had to be yes, no matter what T'Pel's real thoughts were. Never mind the fact that nobody but Tuvok could give consent.

"Would you allow me to deactivate myself?" She still had this proud and controlled aura around her, that all Vulcans emitted, but something was lacking from the woman Janeway remembered when she had seen T'Pel next to her husband many years ago. She nodded.

"Computer, deactivate the holoprogram T'Pel-alpha." She inclined her head and shimmered out of existence.

She hurried to the rocks that hid Tuvok as fast as the stronger gravity allowed her. She knew that the Doctor was aware of her presence here, but he didn't contact her. He probably hoped that she would choose the medically lesser evil. The captain, no Kathryn - she was here as a friend more than a superior - finally walked around the rocks and saw Tuvok. His bare chest glittered with sweat and sand was sticking to it. His clothes were scattered around him. He hadn't tried to put them on again after his failed attempt with T'Pel's image. He leant against a rock and his arms hung limp from his shoulders. His head rested against his chest and his eyes had a feverish dull look, unable to focus on her or react to her presence. This wasn't her best friend; this was only a weak imitation of him, a decoy of the real thing.

Seeing her friend like this was painful and unfair. To see Tuvok so vulnerable and broken, only waiting for death to come, changed something in her. The fear and helplessness, the grief and guilt transformed into a hot red burning core of rage and anger, anger at an evolutionary unreasonable physiological feature; a vestige from long ago, at a Vulcan society that hushed this up instead of researching a medical solution for this, at the caretaker that had forced them here, at herself for stranding them after that, at his conviction that prevented him from accepting her help, at him for giving up and not fighting anymore. That wasn't fair of him, to expect her to respect his wish and then to give up. Her fists were shaking.

"Tuvok!" She called out and stepped up to him. He reacted to her voice. He lifted his head slowly. Some kind of recognition flashed through his eyes, but she couldn't tell if he recognized her or if it was a more primitive recognition of another person. He lurched towards her but stumbled to his knees. She went down to her knees in front of him as well. His labored breath rattled in her ears.

"You want to meditate through this?" She grabbed his hands and forced them into the typical meditation stance. He tried to fight her off, but his tired limbs couldn't resist her anymore. "Then meditate! You are good at it! You do it every day for hours and at least half the time whenever I ask you to spend the night out. So don't you dare to tell me that you can't do it now!"

He looked down on their hands, where her small pale ones stood in stark contrast to his large dark ones. She held them firmly in place.

"You don't know what to look for? I will tell you, who you are and what to look for. A stubborn idiot is what you look for. One that happens to be my best friend." Her voice rose with her emotions. "A man that no matter is loyal; loyal to me as his captain, loyal to his wife and children even to his death, loyal to me as a friend. Someone I know would always have my back. Someone who is often puzzled by the depths human show in their emotions, but can feel just as deeply and is only better at hiding those emotions behind the cold facade of logic. Someone that can easily forgive, but wouldn't let you forget." A single tear was running down her face, but she didn't dare to let go of his hands to wipe it away.

He was now facing her. He furled his slanted eyebrows in confused concentration as if he was trying to recognize a pattern in the chaos.

"Somebody who does his job, because he believes in it; who takes pride in doing it well. Somebody who thinks that humans are confusing and ridiculously emotional creatures, but who isn't so arrogant to believe that we could never teach him anything. Somebody who is, no matter what you say, a jokester and trickster, who knows that his stoically delivered logical statements are funny and who enjoys it when the people around you are unsure if you mean it as a joke or if you mean it. And the answer is both, most of the time. The one that let me in on his jokes, by meeting my eyes with a twinkle in his." She felt her lips quiver but kept her voice steady and clear.

She felt him pulling one of his hands away from hers and desperately tried to hold it in place. His movements were stronger and more controlled than before. His other hand closed around both of hers and held them in a gentle grip. With his free hand, he stroked her fallen tear away.

"Kathryn…" Her name was no more than a whisper on his lips, but she had never felt so relieved and happy to hear her name.

"Yes, I'm here for you." A smile stretched over her face.

The next thing she knew was that his lips touched hers. For a moment panic bubbled up in her. Would it be alright to just let him do this? Was he clear enough to make this decision? But she felt no desire in the kiss. No lust or urge. His kiss didn't demand anything from her. There was no aspiration for anything more in his gentle caress. His lips were smooth and firm under hers. It was like learning something new about somebody you already knew very well, like finding out that an old friend learned how to play the piano as a child. This knowledge didn't change anything, because you already knew everything important about this person. It was only a mildly interesting, but unimportant quirk about him. He smelled like spiced tea.

And she smelled like coffee.

This realization shook her to the core. She could smell, taste, and feel herself as much in this kiss as him. It was a strange and completely new experience for her. His hand on her face softly guided her into the kiss.

The kiss lasted only for a few seconds before Tuvok pulled away, but only a little bit. She still felt his breath against her lips. Their noses touched each other. His fingers spread wider and found those special places on her face for the mind-meld. He didn't press down on them, just touching them with a feather-light brush. Kathryn leaned her face against his fingers, granting him the permission he searched for. He let go of her hands and brought his other hand to her face.

"My mind to your mind." His voice was harsh as if he had to remember how to speak. She felt each of his words like a ghostly touch on her lips. "My thoughts to your thoughts." She felt his presence press against her own mind, searching for entry. She didn't fight him.

She had mind-melded with Tuvok before as well as with a Vulcan student friend in the academy. Both of them had been curious about it and as roommates knew each other well enough to try it. Both experiences had been different. Her first one was only to test it out and to understand the other's way of thinking better. The other mind had approached hers with careful curiosity. With Tuvok, it was more controlled and they had a clear aim and mission for it. But both times she had felt the sharp and focused mind of her counterpart. This time it was different. It felt like someone opened the floodgates on her. A barrage of incoherent thoughts, memories, and feelings poured down on her. She gasped for air. She felt herself being swept away. Panic rose in her. Where did she end and where did Tuvok start?

She clawed to her own identity like a castaway to a piece of driftwood in a storm. She is Captain Kathryn Janeway from the federation starship _Voyager_. She is the daughter of Vice-Admiral Edward Janeway and his wife Gretchen. She has a younger sister, her name is Phoebe. They grew up on a farm in… in Indiana! Her mother lives there and her father lives… he lives… where does he live… he doesn't… he is dead. She grieved him. She still misses him sometimes. Like she misses her children. No! She doesn't have children, Tuvok has four! After she graduated from the Starfleet Academy, her first assignment was on the _USS Al-Batani_ under Captain Sulu, no, Captain Owen Paris.

She felt like she was swimming through syrup. It was like somebody had taken two huge puzzles and had mixed them together and now was expecting her to complete them without telling her the motifs. She couldn't tell how long she fought to regain her identity and memories. Around her the storm of fragments that made up Tuvok still raged. She tried to picture him in her mind. Not his looks, but his soul and character, his manners and preferences. She thought of the memories she had of him and how much he meant to her. But each time she tried it was all ripped apart again by the chaos. She couldn't hold onto her friend. It couldn't end like this! Frantically she searched through the storm and tried to pin his memories and thoughts and feelings to the image she had of him, but they were slippery and she couldn't make them stick. She couldn't make him recognize her image of him as himself.

Finally, she found the memory of the kiss in the sea. It was the memory of their kiss. How she had kissed him and he had kissed her. It was her memory and it wasn't. It was his memory and it wasn't. It was their memory. Not a memory of either of them of a shared experience, but one memory that belonged to both of them. A real shared memory. She could hold on to it, without the storm tearing it away from her again. She could give it to her Tuvok, without giving it away.

The next thing she knew was how it felt like the universe turn inside out. The storm was no longer around her. It was steaming through her, through her into Tuvok. No longer did she have to pin things onto him, but build him up from the inside. She tried, but all too often those piles she built tumbled over again. She didn't know where every piece belonged. Sometimes fragments strayed where she put them, at other times she couldn't even separate those scraps from each other. As she pulled and tugged on some memories, she found a thread woven into it. A careful plucking on it rippled through a long chain of fragments. As it swung she could hear and feel T'Pel. This was their bond. She could rip it apart right now. It would be easy, nothing was protecting it anymore. And once it was broken, it would be so much easier to build him again. She could sew him together with a new bond, her bond, _their_ bond. It would be so easy. But that wouldn't be fair. He didn't want this bond to break, it meant too much to him. And the person, the Tuvok she could build wouldn't be _her_ Tuvok. Not really at least. Oh yes he would be **her** Tuvok as he had never been before, but he wouldn't be the Tuvok she had come to know and care about. He would look the same and act the same and maybe she would never be able to tell the difference, but he wouldn't be the same. This bond was part of who he was.

No, she couldn't sever this bond and if that meant she couldn't weave him together again herself, so be it. She will take duct tape and staplers. She embraced the bond and started to build around it.

What came out of her trail wasn't beautiful, but it did bear a rough resemblance to Tuvok. Some parts didn't fit in right and the proportions were off. With some other pieces, she didn't know what to do and she just shoved them in and hoped that they would find their place by themselves. Yes, this was the best she could do for him. The rest he had to do himself. She took a step away from her creation.

Sand scratched over her skin and small rocks pricked against her knees. Hot air filled her lungs. Her mouth was dry. The pressure on her face lessened. Tuvok's fingers let go of her, falling on her shoulders. She was outside in the holoprogram again. Her eyes flickered open. Tuvok returned her look. His forehead leant against hers. Her hands flew to his face, cupping it up, inspecting it and his eyes. As if searching for some physical signs of the frankensteinish work she did on his inside.

"Tuvok." This word was prayer and blessing in one.

"Kathryn." Real recognition sparked in his eyes. He laid his hands on top of hers and gently pulled them away from his face to bring them together between them. The corners of his mouth softened; a ghost of a smile fleeing over his features. "Thank you."

Relief spread through her. A wide smile bloomed on her face. She would get her friend, her Tuvok, back. It felt like a burden was lifted off her. Her shoulders slouched down. Everything was going to be alright. It was difficult to keep her eyes open. She felt exhausted.

"Do not worry. Sleep." He assured her in his deep voice and his arms laid her down carefully.

She didn't have enough energy to protest. Before she drifted off to sleep she felt him brush some hair out of her face and taking his meditation position.


	5. Chapter 5

She felt disorientated and confused as she woke up. Where was she? She could hear some muffled voices not far from her.

"I assure you Doctor, the captain is perfectly fine. She is only resting." Tuvok's voice was low but clear.

She shot up immediately and looked around. "Tuvok!" The events from before rushed back to her, Tuvok's Pon Farr, the mind meld. He knelt in the sand a small distance from her. A few stumbled steps brought her next to him. "How are you?" She scrutinized him and was relieved to see that he looked better; more focused and apparently he had found some clothes to put on.

"Under the circumstances I am feeling quite well." His eyes were clear as he returned her inspection. "Are you alright, Kathryn?"

"That is what I would like to find out if you would let me scan the captain." Only now did she register the Doctor's presence. He pushed past the Vulcan and scanned her. "How do you feel, Captain?"

"Like a Ferengi cargo ship ran me over." It was true, she felt exhausted even though she just woke up.

"That makes sense. The mind-meld was taxing and left your body in distress. You are dehydrated and your blood sugar level is low. I want you to eat something and then to sleep some more. But your scans show no lasting side effects or hormonal imbalance. Mr. Tuvok didn't pull you into a Pon Farr." He finished his scan and then smiled at her. "And captain, I have to congratulate you on finding a possible fourth way of resolving a Pon Farr, by actively helping the patient to regain their conscious mind. I'm sure the Vulcan Committee of Health will be delighted to hear everything about it once we are back in the Alpha Quadrant."

"Is that so?" She looked from the Doctor to Tuvok.

"Yes, absolutely! I'm just surprised that this kind of help has never been discovered before." The Doctor turned around to scan Tuvok over. "Mr. Tuvok, your hormonal levels are within normal parameters again and your brain waves are maybe not completely normal yet, but much improved. You are slightly dehydrated as well. I prescribe you a hearty meal, and rest and meditation for the next couple of days. I want to see you every day until I say otherwise. In three days we will see if you are fit for duty again." The Vulcan just nodded in acknowledgment.

"Duty?" Janeway's eyes widened. "What time is it?" She picked herself up. "My shift-"

"I'm afraid that you have missed your shift." Tuvok informed her. "It is quarter past eight in the evening." She looked at him in shock.

"I came here around eight o'clock in the morning. We were here for twelve hours?"

"It appears like it."

"I had informed commander Chakotay that you won't be fit for duty today. So I don't think this will be a problem", the Doctor told her as he put his medical equipment away again. "And if you will now excuse me, I will be in my sickbay." He transferred himself back to his refuge.

"No wonder I'm hungry enough that Mr. Neelix' leola-root creations seem appealing." Her big smile invited him to join her.

He stood up, but remarked: "In this case, the Doctor maybe should scan you again to eliminate the possibility that your sense for self-preservation got damaged during this experience." He lifted one of his eyebrows at her.

"I'm sure that wouldn't be necessary. Now move." She tried to keep her face straight but failed as a grin peeked through. She tucked her arm into Tuvok's and pulled him along out of the holodeck. "We will now follow the Doctor's order and get something to eat."

"Then I would suggest we use some replicator rations and eat somewhere quiet."

"Your or my rations? Because I'm pretty sure I need all the rations I have left for this month for coffee."

"As a thank you for saving my life, I would be honored to invite you, Kathryn."

"In this case, I'm all for it. Let's go to my ready room."

They shared a quiet but cozy traditional Vulcan meal together, before retreating to her couch.

"You know, I really don't know what I would do without you here." She closed her eyes and leant back into the cushions.

"Probably place your used dishes in the recycling bin yourself." Tuvok answered her as he did exactly that before sitting down next to her.

"Very funny, Tuvok. How is it that you are even more prone to make those short sarcastic analytic comments than usual?" She fixated him out of the corner of her eyes.

"I just survived this Pon Farr, against my own expectations. I admit that this puts me in a pleased mood and I know that you enjoy those kinds of comments. It seemed appropriate to do so."

"Oh, so you are only funny for my convenience? I will remember that." Her raised eyebrows and puckered lips showed her disbelief in his statement. "But seriously, stay like you are."

"While I am unable to give such a promise, I will try to remain a constant presence in your life."

"Please do, because I'm not sure I'm able to get this ship home without you." She gazed wistfully into the endless night of the galaxy. Millions of stars shone in the darkness, but not one of them belonged to the stars they all longed for.

"I think you overestimate my value to this mission. I never doubt that you will be successful on this journey and bring us back home." He followed her glance out of the window, but looked back at her when he felt her hand on his knee.

"No, you underestimate your value to this ship and to me. Not only are you the best officer I could wish for, but you are also my voice of reason and my personal hidden storage of strength." She looked him in the eyes with a serious but kind expression.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean." His knitted eyebrows betrayed his confusion.

"There are moments, when I don't know what to do, when all this feels hopeless and then I doubt myself and my ability to get us home. In those moments I don't know how to face the crew, but just looking into your eyes and to see the trust and confidence you have in me, shakes me out of it. If you can trust me with all your infallible logic and reason, what right do I have to doubt myself?" It was only a small smile that graced her face. She looked nearly embarrassed to admit this. "So yes, I need you, as my best friend, so I can be the confident captain that will get us home for everybody else. Thank you for that."

"This does not require any gratitude from you. You are the most suitable person to ensure the success of this mission. It is only logical for me to express this and support you." He raised an eyebrow at her.

"That's what I mean." She chuckled carefree. With her features so relaxed and a joyful twinkle in her eyes she looked younger than usual. Kathryn stretched out her legs on the couch to get more comfortable.

It was pleasing to see her like this. He was not sure how to react suitably. "Would you like something to drink as well?" He got up and went to the replicator.

"Yes, a coffee please." He acknowledged her wish with a small nod and ordered for both of them. Carefully he carried the steaming cups back to her. When the delicious fragrance wafted over to the resting captain a blissful smile appeared on her face.

"Coffee, the gift the universe blessed humans with for all the struggles we experience." The aroma lulled her and the first sip provoked a dreamy sigh from her.

"Your fixation with this hot beverage resembles a nearly religious obsession." He shot her a glance over his own coffee cup.

"Oh yes, I pray to the Beneficent Coffee Bean every morning to grant me the energy for the day." She grinned back. Her eyes lingered on him and her brows furrowed. "You drink coffee." Her eyes were locked on his cup. "You don't drink coffee!" Her voice was accusing and confused.

"I expect that you are aware of your contradiction right now."

"You don't like coffee. You drink spiced tea." Her eyes ran over his form, darting back and forth, trying to find anything else that was amiss about him. "Why do you drink coffee? I didn't sever your bond with T'Pel! Did I? Why would you like coffee now, if you didn't get it from me?" Her body was tense and straightened up again.

"You did not sever my bond with my wife." He paused to find the right words to explain it to her. Janeway visibly relaxed a bit. "I will try to use your figurative way of expression. My bond with T'Pel and my children is like a 'golden and silver silk thread' and you left that intact. But you created a second bond around it, out of 'duct tape and staplers'."

"Tuvok…" She wanted to say something but didn't know what.

"Thank you for this friendship." This time he reached out to her and squeezed her hands softly.

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN
> 
> This is the end of this story. It's a 'love can conquer all' kind of story, but it doesn't always have to be romantic love. I always loved the friendship between Janeway and Tuvok, it was one of mutual respect and trust. Janeway didn't push him to be more human, but she never thought she had to be less human at the same time.
> 
> I want to say thank you to Babatomyfriends, because she beta read this chapter.
> 
> I hope you liked this story, but either way, it would be great if you leave a review and help me to get better.


	6. Things that happened, but don't fit into the story…

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are just some silly ideas that didn't fit in the stories, but belong here nevertheless.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. Have a nice day.

"As true as I'm standing here, I swear that's what happened." Tom put one hand over his heart and the other in the air. His voice boomed over the soft background music. "She just went in there and ordered him out of it. I was able to take a glance at the medical records. The Doc is all excited about this revolutionary fourth way of taking care of this mess."

Tom was surrounded by a handful of crewmen in various states of disbelief. The holobar was dimly lit, with many small, dark corners to hide in. But Tom and his friends were in the very centre of the bar where everybody could hear them.

"But I thought-" One of them started to object, but Tom interrupted him.

"Well, apparently being yelled at 'to snap out of it already' works the charm too." His laughter was catching on fast with all the people in the room.

Or at least nearly all. In the dark corner farthermost from everybody else, two people had a quiet conversation.

"What do you think you are doing? Sit back down." The speaker pulled the other person back down in his seat.

"This is a highly inaccurate description of these events. Such false information should not be spread around the crew. In addition he just admitted his unauthorized accessing of sensitive medical records." But he didn't resist against the hand on his arm and sat down again.

"That is all true. But that's probably the best rumor we could hope for in this situation."

Once more the loud voice of Tom Paris carried over to them. "You know, we need to find a fourth 'M' and 'F' now. Suggestions?"

The crew mumbled and one shy voice offered. "Friendship, maybe?"

But this was shot down immediately from another table. "No, boring!"

"Well do you have something better?"

"Sure! Freaking Captain Janeway!"

Even in the dark corner one of the two chuckled softly. The other raised an eyebrow. "You enjoy that a lot, don't you think, Kathryn?"

"I sure do, old friend."

X

"Thank you, Doctor. You are a dear. My knee was acting up all night." Fernandez patted his shoulder affectionately. She sat on one of the biobeds while the Doctor treated her.

"It is my job to keep the crew as fit as possible, Kristine." The Doctor put the hypospray away and smiled at the old woman. She was one of his most regular patients and in time they had developed a tender bond with each other. She treated him with respect and encouraged him in his new interests, and she saw something of her great-grandson in him. He had so little experience, but acted like he knew it all.

"How is everything around here?" If the sickbay was quiet Fernandez often stayed a little to chat with the holographic Doctor.

"Oh at the moment everything is fine. I have time for a little research right now. The captain asked me to find a medical treatment for the Pon Farr in case we are still here when one of our Vulcans has it again." The Doctor couldn't explain why he always felt proud to tell Fernandez about his achievements, probably because she was one of the most patient listeners on the ship.

"Pon Farr, the ultimate evidence that Vulcans have to put one over humans." She chuckled while her thoughts drifted away.

"What?" The Doctors confused question pulled her back to reality.

"Nothing important. Just a small joke that used to share with my husband. No matter what, Vulcans are always one better than humans. They are fast, stronger, smarter etc." A wistful smile was on her lips and for once she looked her full age. "Even when I complained about my period, he would tell me that at least I didn't get the Pon Farr." A sly grin stole over her face. "Yes, Pon Farr, the absolute worst period in the known universe."


End file.
